bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
