The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
