I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
