I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
this is an emotional support booty call
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
