i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
