So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
