hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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