The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
