What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
