i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
