she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
