So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
should my penis look like a turkey
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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