How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We have so much sex to catch up on
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
