i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
