you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
