I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
