Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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