if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He has the fingertips of a God
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