If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
