hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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