"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
