I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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