btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
