i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
