I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
