Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
