grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
