wanna go halves on a baby?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
