sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
