And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
