I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
