why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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