she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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