I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
