well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
