And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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