so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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