I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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