i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
