Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
this beer tastes like vomit already
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
