RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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