i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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