dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
