John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
