Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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