he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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