He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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