Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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