Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
