Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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