Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
why is half of my head shaved?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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