I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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